Why you feel lost in your 20s
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is this what my life is do I wake up
every day commute an hour to work work 9
to5 come commute an hour back have 45
minutes of recreation time and then go
to sleep because I need to eat get eight
hours of sleep at night is this what
life is this is not what I was promised
this is not what I thought I thought I
was going to be free and having fun so I
went through a quarter life crisis a
little bit before it was cool about 20
years ago I was stuck I was failing out
of college we'll get into some details I
went to India I found myself in today
I'm very happy and what I see in the
world around me is that so many young
people have no idea what to do with
their lives they're living in a world
where they were taught these
expectations of if you do a b and c you
will be happy you will be successful but
it seems like this is a huge scam and so
they end up having this crisis this
existential crisis in their early 20s or
mid 20s they don't know who they are
they don't know what they they should do
they don't know how to take risks they
don't know how to make choices and at
first I thought that this was like a
minority of people right I thought I was
the exception because 20 years ago not
everyone was doing it but if you look at
research today quarter life crises are
one of the most common experiences of
young people one study by LinkedIn
actually found that 75% of people go
through a quarter life crisis and this
is what I see there is a generation of
people who don't know what to do with
their lives who don't know who they they
are because y'all were given a script
right you were told do this go to
college get a job find love buy a house
get a mortgage do all these things and
then you will be happy and y'all did
what you were supposed to do you did
everything that the older generation
told you to do but now you find yourself
in your mid 20s maybe a little bit older
maybe a little bit younger and 75% of
y'all and you have no idea what to do
you don't know who you are you don't
know what you want you are watch all
these [ __ ] videos on the internet
from gurus who are telling you do this
do this do this do this you chase those
things and for some of y'all it works
and for some of you it doesn't and
that's the real tragedy of a quarter
life crisis which is that a quarter life
crisis is not a bad thing if you look at
the Chinese character or the Japanese
kanji for crisis it is two pictograms
put together it is danger and
opportunity that's really what a crisis
is and what we know from the research on
quarter life crisis is that they are
something that is a very powerful
developmental tool the problem is that
navigating the quarter life crisis is
not something that we know how to do
sometimes people will ask me this
question if you could go back in time
and give advice to your younger self
what would you tell yourself and I tell
them I would not tell myself a damn
thing because everything that I went
through made me the person that I am
today so in my case I had no idea what I
was doing I failed out of college went
to India found myself now I'm happily
married I have a job that I love I work
really hard my external environment and
my internal environment are in sync and
I'm pretty happy today thankfully and
that's what we see with a quarter life
crisis is that some people successfully
navigate it and are so much stronger at
the end all of us are looking for
Solutions but the problem is that the
solutions seem to work for some people
but don't work for other people a great
example of that this is put yourself out
there right so when you talk to people
who have successfully found
relationships or found their career and
you ask them what do I need to do they
say you just have to put yourself out
there and then you may try to put
yourself out there but for some reason
it doesn't work for you and then you're
left scratching your head I don't know
is this like are they different am I
different why does it not work for me am
I doing it wrong we're struggling with
all of these questions but this is
what's really cool in The Last 5 Years
there's been an explosion of research on
the quarter life crisis because so many
people are experiencing it and what we
figured out is that there are actually
four to five stages to this process and
it is textbook I will tell yall a little
bit about my life and as we go through
the stages if yall have been watching
this channel for a while you'll have
heard me talk about each of these steps
and the problem that we run into is not
that the advice doesn't work but that we
sometimes apply it out of order that
putting yourself out there only works if
you do a set of things first that's what
makes it successful hey all' if you're
interested in applying some of the
principles that we share to actually
create change in your life check out Dr
K's guide to mental health it combines
over two decades of my experience of
both being a monk and a psychiatrist and
distills all of the most important
things I've learned into a Choose Your
Own Adventure format so check out the
link in the bio and start your journey
today so let's start with the goal so a
life structure is a developmentally
achieved integration of internal
structures such as values goals and
beliefs Allied to external structures
such as roles commitments relationships
and activities so what are we looking
for what's the basic problem the basic
problem is that this thing in here and
that thing out there don't fit and
there's a really good reason for this so
if you look at the the research on
quarter life crises what you find is
that early on we're teenagers right and
when we're teenagers we don't have
freedom oh my God my parents are telling
me to stop playing video games they're
telling me I don't want to study I don't
want to do it me I want to be an adult
and when I'm an adult I get to do
whatever I want and then what happens is
you become an adult and then you
discover that despite you having all of
the freedom you have no Freedom At All
you thought that the moment that you
became an adult everything becomes easy
but what I see more and more and more is
constantly these posts of is this what
my life is do I wake up every day
commute an hour to work work 9 to5 come
Comm mute an hour back work out because
I'm supposed to work out have 45 minutes
of recreation time and then go to sleep
because I need to eat get 8 hours of
sleep at night is this what life is this
is not what I was promised this is not
what I thought I thought I was going to
be free and having fun and so this is
where the quarter life crisis starts we
have this conception that as we grow
older we will be free but as we grow
older we discover our freedom has is
restricted by the world around us that
we actually need some way to fit into
the world so as teenagers all we want is
freedom and then once we get our freedom
what ends up happening is we realize we
need to fit into the world around us and
that leads to stage number one which is
locked in so often times when we're
trying to figure out what we want to do
in life we don't know what we want we
don't know who we are right because we
haven't lived life yet so we look to
other people so for example when I was 9
years old my dad told me me and my
brother one of y'all is going to be a
doctor and one of y'all is going to be a
lawyer my brother was older he went to
law school so I felt like I had to
become a doctor I was genetically Premed
and so phase one of the quarter life
crisis is called locked in and it's a
sense of being trapped so early on in
life you make decisions based on
extrinsic motivation right you're told
to study this people say oh this is
going to be a good job you should do
this thing you should do this should
should should should should should
should and you're like yes sir I will do
it yes sir yes sir yes ma'am yes ma'am I
will do do it I will do it I will do it
you follow all of these external scripts
and then you find yourself in a place
that you don't like and you feel trapped
so phase one is defined by a central
commitment or set of commitments within
a life structure that is no longer
desired but which is not yet perceived
as a realistic Target of change this
leads to a a felt sense of powerlessness
and being trapped so what ends up
happening is we're following these
extrinsic motivations and we find oursel
we wake up one day in a life that we no
longer like so there are many things
that can trigger this feeling sometimes
it's a relationship we started dating in
high school and we've been together for
seven years but I don't know if I want
to be with this person I'm kind of
operating based on momentum or inertia
I'm operating I'm living my life based
on autopilot or it's something like a
career where like now I have this job I
majored in this thing I studied this
crap for 4 years I got this job now this
is the only thing that I know how to do
and I don't enjoy it anymore but it
feels like it is impossible to
realistically change so I see this a lot
in residency so I work with medical
residents these are people who are
Premed in college so they spent four
years planning to become a doctor then
they do four years of medical school
where you learn about being a doctor and
then they're halfway through residency
they're on year three of their surger
Surgical residency now they devoted 11
years of their right life to this career
path and they wake up one day and they
realize I don't like being a doctor
right so the first four years of Premed
you're like studying literature and
organic chemistry that's not being a
doctor med school isn't really being a
doctor it's learning about medicine then
you start actually practicing medicine
and then for the first year you're like
oh my God it's so hard and I'm so burnt
out and it's so stressful it'll get
better and the second year rolls around
it'll get better I'll get used to it and
people tell themselves these kinds of
things and they wake up in year three 11
years of investment at this point and
they're like I don't like this but it's
too late I feel incredibly trapped this
is what triggers the quarter life crisis
and when this crisis gets triggered it
also affects the way that we see
ourselves so in terms of identity a
person in Phase One experiences a sense
of outward identity that has been formed
to adapt to the role they are in which
conceals a more authentic sense of self
now this is no longer what I want but it
is something that I have to do this is
where the quarter life crisis begins so
during this first phase of the quarter
life crisis called locked in we see that
it also affects someone's identity a
person in Phase One experiences a sense
of outward identity that has been formed
to adapt to the roles there in which
conceals a more authentic sense of self
and this is why a quarter life crisis is
so so important we view it as a problem
but it is critical to our development
because without this sensation we would
stay trapped in that in our life if we
actually look at the the research behind
crisis what we find is that a crisis can
help overcome the change inertia that
has been found to characterize adult
life structure so this kind of goes back
to this uh you know this Kani of Crisis
which is danger and opportunity without
this internal sense of
unhappiness we would be stuck in this
life of autopilot and it is this sense
of unhappiness which actually prompts us
to change the challenge is that unless
we know how to do it right we'll get
stuck there's another feature of phase
one which is really really interesting
and may resonate with y'all which is
that phase one frequently involves
compulsive activities such as drug or
alcohol use particularly in males which
may add to the sense of being out of
control and so this paper was written in
2013 so back then social media
technology video games weren't as
prevalent as they are now but this is
the other thing that happens in Phase 1
is that we feel internally trapped we
don't enjoy our life so what do we do we
go to these compulsive activities drugs
alcohol video games pornography that
help us cope with this life that is
unfixable this is literally in the
scientific research and then we move on
to phase two which is separation so in
Phase 2 we either physically or mentally
check out of our situation so internally
I don't want to do this anymore
externally I'm trapped in this life I
can't change it right I can't really go
back I've wasted 11 years in this
medical career I've wasted seven years
in this relationship I can't change it
so what do we do we mentally or
physically check out this is actually a
developmental step now this is what's
crazy so checking out is actually the
process of the quarter life crisis it is
something that is not a problem to be
fixed it is a phase to be gone through
the separation phase is the most
affectively intensive period that means
emotionally intensive period of a crisis
emotions experience may include guilt
sadness anxiety excitement relief and
shame while
self-evaluations May oscillate between
upbeat self-confidence and self-disgust
so I see this so much where everyone's
like I'm so checked out Al life I'm so
burnt out how do I find motivation how
do I make this checked outness go away
how do I find this intrinsic motivation
which by the way a quar life crisis
going through a quarter life crisis is
literally how we move from extrinsic
motivation to intrinsic motivation and
so what we are filled with is all all
kinds of piles of emotions I'm worried
about my future but I feel guilty for
like I don't like I'm not putting forth
the effort that I need to I feel ashamed
of myself and y'all may be confused by
this oscillation between confidence and
and shame or feeling upbeat and feeling
depressed but this is something that
I've seen so much in my clinical
practice right and I'll explain it to
you all when you're in Phase 2 you're
mentally checked out but you look back
at your life and it seems good on paper
right so you look at this and you're
like oh I've been in this relationship
for 5 years like it's a good
relationship for a lot of reasons my
partner is not abusive but I don't enjoy
it anymore so there are times where you
can look back you're in your third year
of residency and you've accomplished so
much you go to a place like Harvard
Medical School and you have so much to
be proud of sometimes in this separation
phase we can look back and feel really
good about some of the things that we
did but something is missing and when
that thing is missing we also beat
ourselves up a lot because it's I worked
really hard but I'm unhappy I feel stuck
so there this is the most as the paper
points out affectively intense period of
the quarter life crisis this is where a
lot of people get stuck because there is
a very specific way to navigate this
which a lot of people don't really
understand and they actually make a
mistake so Phase 2 is when a lot of
people end up getting stuck this is
where they stall because they don't know
how to move out of this phase they view
this as a problem not part of the
process this affects our sense of
identity okay so having lost the
identity that defined them during phase
one right so you you grew up and you
were like I'm going to be this thing
when I grow up you have this sense of
identity you're going to be this person
you fall in love with your high school
sweetheart y'all are going to grow up
and get married and get a house and have
kids and everything was planned out you
constructed this false identity of
yourself based on expectations of the
external world but this is no longer
working and so but not having yet gained
a new identity to replace it right this
is no longer who you are so this doesn't
feel like you you have a temporary
identity vacuum I've invested all my
life in this identity but I don't like
that so then we're left with this
identity vacuum Now we move on to phase
2B which is time out and this is a big
mistake that a lot of people make is
they think that once I separate right
once I'm mentally checked out this is a
problem and I need to retreat back into
life so here's life that I don't like
this is the the external e extrinsically
motivated life that I've constructed I
feel mentally checked out and so what
everyone does is they try to move back
into this life
okay they go see a therapist they try to
learn how to be accept and they try
learn they learn how to do resignation
and they go to therapy and they do this
they try to make this old life work you
go to couples counseling to try to make
the relationship work even though it's
dead on the inside and you don't want to
do it but you try to make it work this
is what's crazy this is a mistake don't
move back towards your old life so phase
2B is something called timeout so after
separation the best thing to do in a
quarter life crisis is to
intentionally move away from your old
life separation is not something that
you choose it's something that happens
to you you mentally check out you kind
of burn out timeout is when you say hey
I'm I'm done with that I don't want to
do that this is not working for me I
need some kind of break you
intentionally move away from your old
life which is the exact opposite of what
a lot of us feel like doing we feel like
clinging to the old life which is a
mistake so so during this phase a person
intentionally takes time to reflect on
their transitional situation to resolve
painful emotions and develop a new
foundation for their adult identity I
think this is the biggest mistake that
most people make during the timeout
period a person often travels or moves
to a different physical location in
order to gain some distance and
perspective on their troubles into a
motivationally this period is described
by avoidance the desire to not bind into
new commitments or per pursue future
aspirations so the first thing is like
research in this study was examining
themes from 50 people who went through a
quarter life crisis and what this study
basically found is once you feel
mentally checked out you have to embrace
that and people will literally gain
physical distance hell I flew halfway
across the world right to a different
location that allowed me to take a step
out of my life so what my life life used
to be was grades grades grades got to
get to medical school I'm competing with
all these preds these [ __ ] tryhards
are like Gunners and they want to be the
best they all want to go to Harvard I
want to go to Harvard it's like oh like
I want to be the best I want to be the
best I was surrounded by this very
incestuous culture and I literally went
halfway across the world which is a
theme that has been supported in
research people will get physical
distance they will move out they will
take a break from their relationship and
you have to embrace that now here's the
another really interesting thing about
phase 2B that a lot of people miss out
on see when I'm leaving my old life it's
very anxiety provoking there's a lot of
uncertainty and so what a lot of people
want to do is they want to leave this
old life but they want the
security of a new life so I see this all
the time on our subreddit people ask me
questions how do I know if this is the
right choice how do I know what should I
study how do I know if I should break up
with this person if I should stay with
this person how do I know that going on
this trip will how do I guarantee that I
will find a new partner if I break up
with this person how do I know that I'll
be happy in this new career so people
who successfully navigate phase 2B
actually have avoidance of the future as
well now this is something that we think
is a problem right everyone thinks like
okay now that I'm abandoning this this
old life I need to make sure that my new
life is kind of set you know in order to
find your way you have to leave home you
don't know exactly where you're going to
end up when you leave and it's that
uncertainty that you have to be able to
sit with instead what we find is that a
lot of people are looking for a
guaranteed future they're not willing to
tolerate the uncertainty of I don't know
what's going to happen everyone is
looking for a Surefire thing which makes
perfect sense right because you made
this mistake the first time when I work
with a resident who has invested 11
years in of their life into becoming a
surgeon they are terrified of wasting
more time I don't have the time to
afford so I need to figure it all out
before I get started this keeps them
stuck in Phase 2 a phase 2B is
characterized by a timeout and an
intentional avoidance of the past and
avoidance of the future you can't start
planning yet this is a huge mistake that
people make you're not ready to make a
plan now let's talk about faith phase
three okay so phase three is exploration
so in this phase new commitments and
goals are proactively tried out and
explored but you can't do this until you
decide that like okay it's not about
finding your future if this makes sense
it's about figuring things out right
it's not about finding the right answer
a purp a person now purposefully looks
for ways of developing a life structure
that is more aligned with their own
values aspirations and inner identity
more so than the pre crisis okay
participants describe becoming
increasingly comfortable with exploring
their identity in an open-ended way
allowing it to evolve and change rather
than fix onto a particularly externally
defined role the self becomes a question
rather than an answer a process rather
than a product so people will ask me Dr
K how do I find myself how do I figure
out what is right for me right so what
they're always focused on is the find of
yourself and this is the reframe that
people who successfully navigate phase 3
do they reframe from finding themselves
to exploring themselves they reframe
from figuring out what is right for them
or or discovering who they are into
crafting who they are it is a process of
discovery and reinvention not finding
the right answers and if yall are
members of this community and hopefully
yall can like comment and stuff like
that too if you know what I'm talking
about pay attention to people's language
who are struggling because what everyone
is looking for they assume that their
the right answer is out there the
perfect career exists for me I just need
to find it and the problem is I don't
have the time to experiment right so
that's the that's what everyone assumes
there's the right answer I just don't
have the luxury to experiment that's not
actually what goes on phase three in a
quarter life crisis is not about finding
what is right for you that is an old way
of thinking right that's what people
told you at the the beginning they told
you this is the right career Alo you
will be a very good doctor one day that
is what you should do everyone told you
there was a right answer there is no
right answer the right answer has to be
crafted you have to change you have to
reinvent yourself and this is also where
we get to putting yourself out there
unless you have separated from your past
life unless you have taken an
intentional time out you said I'm done
with that then putting yourself out
there doesn't do you any good this is
what I see so much with my patients
they're like okay people say I should
date so I should just put myself out
there but in their heart of hearts
they're still attached to their ex they
have so much emotional baggage we all
know if you have emotional baggage
screws your next relationship you can't
really put yourself out there until you
leave home and this is what happens with
people is mentally they stay in their
old life they stay attached to their old
identity they stay hung up full of
resentment or love for their ex and then
when they put themselves out they're not
cognitively in the right frame of mind
so then people tell you oh yeah just put
yourself out there it worked for me but
that's because that person was ready for
phase three which involves that
intentional separation from your old
life and then we move on to the last
phase which is rebuilding so the
rebuilding phase involves a renewed
engagement with long-term commitments
and clear plans motivationally this
period is defined by a stronger sense of
intrinsic motivation than pre-crisis
work and life home life are described as
more inherently satisfying and enjoyable
okay work and home life are described as
more inherently satisfying and enjoyable
and more reflective of personal
interests and passions compared with pre
crisis identity in phase four when
compared with pre-crisis descriptions is
distinct by being more coherent inner
values preferences feelings and goals
are now expressed in outward Behavior
leading to a stronger sense of
authenticity what got us in this problem
in the first place is that we crafted a
life without understanding who we are
without sort of Reinventing ourselves
exploring ourselves so there is a
fundamental mismatch between the life
around you and who you are in order to
get through the quarter life crisis you
have to first of all recognize that this
sucks for you secondly you mentally
check out third you intentionally check
out then you start exploring yourself
it's not about finding the right answer
it's about discovering who you are and
unless you've intentionally left your
life which sometimes means going to a
different physical location finding a
different group of friends you can't do
that exploration once you have that
exploration done and not 100% done but
then you have a sense of intrinsically
who you are this is when we get to phase
four so once you know who you are you
start crafting your external life in
alignment with who you are this is who
you are this is who I discovered who I
am and now I'm crafting my external life
to be aligned with who I am internally
and this is the story of my life I went
to I was failed out of school right had
all these high expectations and
literally like all this stuff about
autonomy and stuff that's me textbook as
well so my parents were very restrictive
they were like strict Indian parents so
when I went to college I was like I'm a
date girls I'm going go on parties I'm
going join a fraternity I'm going play
video games all night I had so much
freedom and then the world smacked me in
the face and is like hey you can't be
doing this otherwise we're going to kick
you out of college and then I created
and then I mentally checked out I was
burnt out I had maladaptive coping
behaviors like video games very common
for men in phase one shocking I mentally
checked out I gave up on life then there
was physical separation I went to India
then I started literally exploring who I
am I discovered a technique for self-
exploration I let go of all of my past
answers I didn't care about the future I
said [ __ ] the future I'm going to be
monk I'm not going to have a job I'm not
going to get married I'm not going to do
anything sit on my ass and meditate this
is textbook then I discovered who I am
once I discovered who I am then I
discovered I actually don't want to be a
monk I'm in love with this woman and
that's how I feel this is not something
to be conquered spiritually it is part
of who I am so I went back I got married
paradoxically went to med school but
this time instead of trying to force
myself to study I didn't even care about
the grades like this is terrible I did
not show up at my med school award
ceremony where I got two Awards because
I never looked at my grades I didn't I
gave so little shits about the external
world that I didn't even show up it's so
embarrassing one of my professors was
like I nominated you for an award where
the [ __ ] were you and I was like my bad
I'm a degenerate gamer who doesn't show
up and leave the house I finished med
school and I was like I'm going to play
video games that's literally what I did
and then I went to residency I decided I
actually love Psychiatry I don't care
that psychiatry aren't real doctors
that's what my grandmother told me she's
like don't do this it's not a real
doctor and I was like no I'm going to do
this so I started crafting my life and
then when I finished residency I had two
amazing job offers from two amazing
mentors and I turned them all down and
started this I started crafting my
external life to fit who I am on the
inside this is the resolution of a
quarter life Crisis crisis helps us
overcome the change inertia that has
been found to characterize adult life
structure without this crisis you would
never have the energy or momentum to
leave the autopilot of your relatively
comfortable but quite unsatisfying life
and 75% of young people are going
through this we've accelerated this
process it used to take human beings
about 40 years to figure this out but
the world is becoming increasingly
difficult to live in people are becoming
increasing L happy and it's happening
earlier and as someone who has been
through the end of this I love the fact
that I had a quarter life crisis med
school was incredibly easy for me
everyone else was so caught up about
failing and being at the top of that my
class I had already failed I was like I
know who I am at this point I'm going to
work really hard and whatever happens
happens if I'm at the top of my class
great if I'm at the bottom of my class
also totally fine the only thing I care
about is not failing out that internal
sense of confidence that people sort of
why do you watch why do people watch me
right and and I kind of say I'm not
special and I still insist that I want
y'all to understand now more than ever
that I am not superhuman the only
difference between potentially me and
you but even though I don't know that
that there's a difference you're maybe a
little bit younger than I am that's the
biggest difference is I went through
this process and it is absolutely a
process it is not magic it is not
Brilliance it is like literally a
scientifically explored hypothesis that
has been developed in
2013 and has been expanded on over the
last decade and you can go through it
too the quarter life crisis is your
inner self telling you to wake the [ __ ]
up and then you look around and you see
your life and you're like I can't change
this and then you mentally check out and
you're like this is a problem I feel
burnt out how do I re-engage in in life
so I had a patient once who came in and
he kept on having these relapses of
depression and so three or four years
into our treatment he was like you know
like I need your help help again and I
was like No And he was like surprised
and he's like I'm done doing this I'm
tired of patching you back up and
sending you back into battle where
you're just going to get eaten alive
this is not working anymore something
fundamental needs to change it's not
about coping it's not about therapy it's
not about adjusting it's not about
accepting if your life is not what you
want you need to change it that is what
the quarter life crisis is all about the
reason it's hard to change is because
it's [ __ ] scary to abandon it you
have to embrace uncertainty you have to
jump off of the coast and start swimming
into the ocean without seeing land on
the other side don't do that practically
that sounds hella dangerous and it's so
hard because when you say enough with
that life this voice inside you will
panic and it'll say what if there's
nothing on the other side damn right
because your strength your resilience is
born of making that jump and not knowing
what's on the other side and then when
you get to the other side nothing will
be able to stop you the very thing that
you are looking for is what is holding
you back you want assurances that the
other side is there and so you're
waiting and waiting and looking and
looking and looking and listening to
podcast and watching videos and reading
books and seeing therapists just so
you're looking for a guarantee but as
long as you're looking for a guarantee
you will never believe in yourself the
quarter life crisis is the problem of
this generation their papers that talk
about it in Indonesia papers that talk
about it in the United States up to 75
people per of people are experiencing it
we see it on the Internet is this what
my life is I'm so burnt out I'm so
checked out this sucks I don't know what
to do dating is a mess I'm alone I'm on
autopilot I'm burnt out I want to stop I
don't know how to continue I want to
find myself I don't know what the right
answer is how do I find the right answer
this is the problem of Our Generation
and it's not just about the abstract
it's about you as an individual this is
the problem of your life and I can tell
you as someone who's jumped into the
ocean and ended up on the other side
holy [ __ ] it's amazing y'all should come
and join me so thank you for coming to
my TED Talk and good luck and lastly
we're here to help so if you need more
from me you let me know let us know
what's next what is the challenge that
you face and we will build videos to
help you that's all I have to
say good luck
every day commute an hour to work work 9
to5 come commute an hour back have 45
minutes of recreation time and then go
to sleep because I need to eat get eight
hours of sleep at night is this what
life is this is not what I was promised
this is not what I thought I thought I
was going to be free and having fun so I
went through a quarter life crisis a
little bit before it was cool about 20
years ago I was stuck I was failing out
of college we'll get into some details I
went to India I found myself in today
I'm very happy and what I see in the
world around me is that so many young
people have no idea what to do with
their lives they're living in a world
where they were taught these
expectations of if you do a b and c you
will be happy you will be successful but
it seems like this is a huge scam and so
they end up having this crisis this
existential crisis in their early 20s or
mid 20s they don't know who they are
they don't know what they they should do
they don't know how to take risks they
don't know how to make choices and at
first I thought that this was like a
minority of people right I thought I was
the exception because 20 years ago not
everyone was doing it but if you look at
research today quarter life crises are
one of the most common experiences of
young people one study by LinkedIn
actually found that 75% of people go
through a quarter life crisis and this
is what I see there is a generation of
people who don't know what to do with
their lives who don't know who they they
are because y'all were given a script
right you were told do this go to
college get a job find love buy a house
get a mortgage do all these things and
then you will be happy and y'all did
what you were supposed to do you did
everything that the older generation
told you to do but now you find yourself
in your mid 20s maybe a little bit older
maybe a little bit younger and 75% of
y'all and you have no idea what to do
you don't know who you are you don't
know what you want you are watch all
these [ __ ] videos on the internet
from gurus who are telling you do this
do this do this do this you chase those
things and for some of y'all it works
and for some of you it doesn't and
that's the real tragedy of a quarter
life crisis which is that a quarter life
crisis is not a bad thing if you look at
the Chinese character or the Japanese
kanji for crisis it is two pictograms
put together it is danger and
opportunity that's really what a crisis
is and what we know from the research on
quarter life crisis is that they are
something that is a very powerful
developmental tool the problem is that
navigating the quarter life crisis is
not something that we know how to do
sometimes people will ask me this
question if you could go back in time
and give advice to your younger self
what would you tell yourself and I tell
them I would not tell myself a damn
thing because everything that I went
through made me the person that I am
today so in my case I had no idea what I
was doing I failed out of college went
to India found myself now I'm happily
married I have a job that I love I work
really hard my external environment and
my internal environment are in sync and
I'm pretty happy today thankfully and
that's what we see with a quarter life
crisis is that some people successfully
navigate it and are so much stronger at
the end all of us are looking for
Solutions but the problem is that the
solutions seem to work for some people
but don't work for other people a great
example of that this is put yourself out
there right so when you talk to people
who have successfully found
relationships or found their career and
you ask them what do I need to do they
say you just have to put yourself out
there and then you may try to put
yourself out there but for some reason
it doesn't work for you and then you're
left scratching your head I don't know
is this like are they different am I
different why does it not work for me am
I doing it wrong we're struggling with
all of these questions but this is
what's really cool in The Last 5 Years
there's been an explosion of research on
the quarter life crisis because so many
people are experiencing it and what we
figured out is that there are actually
four to five stages to this process and
it is textbook I will tell yall a little
bit about my life and as we go through
the stages if yall have been watching
this channel for a while you'll have
heard me talk about each of these steps
and the problem that we run into is not
that the advice doesn't work but that we
sometimes apply it out of order that
putting yourself out there only works if
you do a set of things first that's what
makes it successful hey all' if you're
interested in applying some of the
principles that we share to actually
create change in your life check out Dr
K's guide to mental health it combines
over two decades of my experience of
both being a monk and a psychiatrist and
distills all of the most important
things I've learned into a Choose Your
Own Adventure format so check out the
link in the bio and start your journey
today so let's start with the goal so a
life structure is a developmentally
achieved integration of internal
structures such as values goals and
beliefs Allied to external structures
such as roles commitments relationships
and activities so what are we looking
for what's the basic problem the basic
problem is that this thing in here and
that thing out there don't fit and
there's a really good reason for this so
if you look at the the research on
quarter life crises what you find is
that early on we're teenagers right and
when we're teenagers we don't have
freedom oh my God my parents are telling
me to stop playing video games they're
telling me I don't want to study I don't
want to do it me I want to be an adult
and when I'm an adult I get to do
whatever I want and then what happens is
you become an adult and then you
discover that despite you having all of
the freedom you have no Freedom At All
you thought that the moment that you
became an adult everything becomes easy
but what I see more and more and more is
constantly these posts of is this what
my life is do I wake up every day
commute an hour to work work 9 to5 come
Comm mute an hour back work out because
I'm supposed to work out have 45 minutes
of recreation time and then go to sleep
because I need to eat get 8 hours of
sleep at night is this what life is this
is not what I was promised this is not
what I thought I thought I was going to
be free and having fun and so this is
where the quarter life crisis starts we
have this conception that as we grow
older we will be free but as we grow
older we discover our freedom has is
restricted by the world around us that
we actually need some way to fit into
the world so as teenagers all we want is
freedom and then once we get our freedom
what ends up happening is we realize we
need to fit into the world around us and
that leads to stage number one which is
locked in so often times when we're
trying to figure out what we want to do
in life we don't know what we want we
don't know who we are right because we
haven't lived life yet so we look to
other people so for example when I was 9
years old my dad told me me and my
brother one of y'all is going to be a
doctor and one of y'all is going to be a
lawyer my brother was older he went to
law school so I felt like I had to
become a doctor I was genetically Premed
and so phase one of the quarter life
crisis is called locked in and it's a
sense of being trapped so early on in
life you make decisions based on
extrinsic motivation right you're told
to study this people say oh this is
going to be a good job you should do
this thing you should do this should
should should should should should
should and you're like yes sir I will do
it yes sir yes sir yes ma'am yes ma'am I
will do do it I will do it I will do it
you follow all of these external scripts
and then you find yourself in a place
that you don't like and you feel trapped
so phase one is defined by a central
commitment or set of commitments within
a life structure that is no longer
desired but which is not yet perceived
as a realistic Target of change this
leads to a a felt sense of powerlessness
and being trapped so what ends up
happening is we're following these
extrinsic motivations and we find oursel
we wake up one day in a life that we no
longer like so there are many things
that can trigger this feeling sometimes
it's a relationship we started dating in
high school and we've been together for
seven years but I don't know if I want
to be with this person I'm kind of
operating based on momentum or inertia
I'm operating I'm living my life based
on autopilot or it's something like a
career where like now I have this job I
majored in this thing I studied this
crap for 4 years I got this job now this
is the only thing that I know how to do
and I don't enjoy it anymore but it
feels like it is impossible to
realistically change so I see this a lot
in residency so I work with medical
residents these are people who are
Premed in college so they spent four
years planning to become a doctor then
they do four years of medical school
where you learn about being a doctor and
then they're halfway through residency
they're on year three of their surger
Surgical residency now they devoted 11
years of their right life to this career
path and they wake up one day and they
realize I don't like being a doctor
right so the first four years of Premed
you're like studying literature and
organic chemistry that's not being a
doctor med school isn't really being a
doctor it's learning about medicine then
you start actually practicing medicine
and then for the first year you're like
oh my God it's so hard and I'm so burnt
out and it's so stressful it'll get
better and the second year rolls around
it'll get better I'll get used to it and
people tell themselves these kinds of
things and they wake up in year three 11
years of investment at this point and
they're like I don't like this but it's
too late I feel incredibly trapped this
is what triggers the quarter life crisis
and when this crisis gets triggered it
also affects the way that we see
ourselves so in terms of identity a
person in Phase One experiences a sense
of outward identity that has been formed
to adapt to the role they are in which
conceals a more authentic sense of self
now this is no longer what I want but it
is something that I have to do this is
where the quarter life crisis begins so
during this first phase of the quarter
life crisis called locked in we see that
it also affects someone's identity a
person in Phase One experiences a sense
of outward identity that has been formed
to adapt to the roles there in which
conceals a more authentic sense of self
and this is why a quarter life crisis is
so so important we view it as a problem
but it is critical to our development
because without this sensation we would
stay trapped in that in our life if we
actually look at the the research behind
crisis what we find is that a crisis can
help overcome the change inertia that
has been found to characterize adult
life structure so this kind of goes back
to this uh you know this Kani of Crisis
which is danger and opportunity without
this internal sense of
unhappiness we would be stuck in this
life of autopilot and it is this sense
of unhappiness which actually prompts us
to change the challenge is that unless
we know how to do it right we'll get
stuck there's another feature of phase
one which is really really interesting
and may resonate with y'all which is
that phase one frequently involves
compulsive activities such as drug or
alcohol use particularly in males which
may add to the sense of being out of
control and so this paper was written in
2013 so back then social media
technology video games weren't as
prevalent as they are now but this is
the other thing that happens in Phase 1
is that we feel internally trapped we
don't enjoy our life so what do we do we
go to these compulsive activities drugs
alcohol video games pornography that
help us cope with this life that is
unfixable this is literally in the
scientific research and then we move on
to phase two which is separation so in
Phase 2 we either physically or mentally
check out of our situation so internally
I don't want to do this anymore
externally I'm trapped in this life I
can't change it right I can't really go
back I've wasted 11 years in this
medical career I've wasted seven years
in this relationship I can't change it
so what do we do we mentally or
physically check out this is actually a
developmental step now this is what's
crazy so checking out is actually the
process of the quarter life crisis it is
something that is not a problem to be
fixed it is a phase to be gone through
the separation phase is the most
affectively intensive period that means
emotionally intensive period of a crisis
emotions experience may include guilt
sadness anxiety excitement relief and
shame while
self-evaluations May oscillate between
upbeat self-confidence and self-disgust
so I see this so much where everyone's
like I'm so checked out Al life I'm so
burnt out how do I find motivation how
do I make this checked outness go away
how do I find this intrinsic motivation
which by the way a quar life crisis
going through a quarter life crisis is
literally how we move from extrinsic
motivation to intrinsic motivation and
so what we are filled with is all all
kinds of piles of emotions I'm worried
about my future but I feel guilty for
like I don't like I'm not putting forth
the effort that I need to I feel ashamed
of myself and y'all may be confused by
this oscillation between confidence and
and shame or feeling upbeat and feeling
depressed but this is something that
I've seen so much in my clinical
practice right and I'll explain it to
you all when you're in Phase 2 you're
mentally checked out but you look back
at your life and it seems good on paper
right so you look at this and you're
like oh I've been in this relationship
for 5 years like it's a good
relationship for a lot of reasons my
partner is not abusive but I don't enjoy
it anymore so there are times where you
can look back you're in your third year
of residency and you've accomplished so
much you go to a place like Harvard
Medical School and you have so much to
be proud of sometimes in this separation
phase we can look back and feel really
good about some of the things that we
did but something is missing and when
that thing is missing we also beat
ourselves up a lot because it's I worked
really hard but I'm unhappy I feel stuck
so there this is the most as the paper
points out affectively intense period of
the quarter life crisis this is where a
lot of people get stuck because there is
a very specific way to navigate this
which a lot of people don't really
understand and they actually make a
mistake so Phase 2 is when a lot of
people end up getting stuck this is
where they stall because they don't know
how to move out of this phase they view
this as a problem not part of the
process this affects our sense of
identity okay so having lost the
identity that defined them during phase
one right so you you grew up and you
were like I'm going to be this thing
when I grow up you have this sense of
identity you're going to be this person
you fall in love with your high school
sweetheart y'all are going to grow up
and get married and get a house and have
kids and everything was planned out you
constructed this false identity of
yourself based on expectations of the
external world but this is no longer
working and so but not having yet gained
a new identity to replace it right this
is no longer who you are so this doesn't
feel like you you have a temporary
identity vacuum I've invested all my
life in this identity but I don't like
that so then we're left with this
identity vacuum Now we move on to phase
2B which is time out and this is a big
mistake that a lot of people make is
they think that once I separate right
once I'm mentally checked out this is a
problem and I need to retreat back into
life so here's life that I don't like
this is the the external e extrinsically
motivated life that I've constructed I
feel mentally checked out and so what
everyone does is they try to move back
into this life
okay they go see a therapist they try to
learn how to be accept and they try
learn they learn how to do resignation
and they go to therapy and they do this
they try to make this old life work you
go to couples counseling to try to make
the relationship work even though it's
dead on the inside and you don't want to
do it but you try to make it work this
is what's crazy this is a mistake don't
move back towards your old life so phase
2B is something called timeout so after
separation the best thing to do in a
quarter life crisis is to
intentionally move away from your old
life separation is not something that
you choose it's something that happens
to you you mentally check out you kind
of burn out timeout is when you say hey
I'm I'm done with that I don't want to
do that this is not working for me I
need some kind of break you
intentionally move away from your old
life which is the exact opposite of what
a lot of us feel like doing we feel like
clinging to the old life which is a
mistake so so during this phase a person
intentionally takes time to reflect on
their transitional situation to resolve
painful emotions and develop a new
foundation for their adult identity I
think this is the biggest mistake that
most people make during the timeout
period a person often travels or moves
to a different physical location in
order to gain some distance and
perspective on their troubles into a
motivationally this period is described
by avoidance the desire to not bind into
new commitments or per pursue future
aspirations so the first thing is like
research in this study was examining
themes from 50 people who went through a
quarter life crisis and what this study
basically found is once you feel
mentally checked out you have to embrace
that and people will literally gain
physical distance hell I flew halfway
across the world right to a different
location that allowed me to take a step
out of my life so what my life life used
to be was grades grades grades got to
get to medical school I'm competing with
all these preds these [ __ ] tryhards
are like Gunners and they want to be the
best they all want to go to Harvard I
want to go to Harvard it's like oh like
I want to be the best I want to be the
best I was surrounded by this very
incestuous culture and I literally went
halfway across the world which is a
theme that has been supported in
research people will get physical
distance they will move out they will
take a break from their relationship and
you have to embrace that now here's the
another really interesting thing about
phase 2B that a lot of people miss out
on see when I'm leaving my old life it's
very anxiety provoking there's a lot of
uncertainty and so what a lot of people
want to do is they want to leave this
old life but they want the
security of a new life so I see this all
the time on our subreddit people ask me
questions how do I know if this is the
right choice how do I know what should I
study how do I know if I should break up
with this person if I should stay with
this person how do I know that going on
this trip will how do I guarantee that I
will find a new partner if I break up
with this person how do I know that I'll
be happy in this new career so people
who successfully navigate phase 2B
actually have avoidance of the future as
well now this is something that we think
is a problem right everyone thinks like
okay now that I'm abandoning this this
old life I need to make sure that my new
life is kind of set you know in order to
find your way you have to leave home you
don't know exactly where you're going to
end up when you leave and it's that
uncertainty that you have to be able to
sit with instead what we find is that a
lot of people are looking for a
guaranteed future they're not willing to
tolerate the uncertainty of I don't know
what's going to happen everyone is
looking for a Surefire thing which makes
perfect sense right because you made
this mistake the first time when I work
with a resident who has invested 11
years in of their life into becoming a
surgeon they are terrified of wasting
more time I don't have the time to
afford so I need to figure it all out
before I get started this keeps them
stuck in Phase 2 a phase 2B is
characterized by a timeout and an
intentional avoidance of the past and
avoidance of the future you can't start
planning yet this is a huge mistake that
people make you're not ready to make a
plan now let's talk about faith phase
three okay so phase three is exploration
so in this phase new commitments and
goals are proactively tried out and
explored but you can't do this until you
decide that like okay it's not about
finding your future if this makes sense
it's about figuring things out right
it's not about finding the right answer
a purp a person now purposefully looks
for ways of developing a life structure
that is more aligned with their own
values aspirations and inner identity
more so than the pre crisis okay
participants describe becoming
increasingly comfortable with exploring
their identity in an open-ended way
allowing it to evolve and change rather
than fix onto a particularly externally
defined role the self becomes a question
rather than an answer a process rather
than a product so people will ask me Dr
K how do I find myself how do I figure
out what is right for me right so what
they're always focused on is the find of
yourself and this is the reframe that
people who successfully navigate phase 3
do they reframe from finding themselves
to exploring themselves they reframe
from figuring out what is right for them
or or discovering who they are into
crafting who they are it is a process of
discovery and reinvention not finding
the right answers and if yall are
members of this community and hopefully
yall can like comment and stuff like
that too if you know what I'm talking
about pay attention to people's language
who are struggling because what everyone
is looking for they assume that their
the right answer is out there the
perfect career exists for me I just need
to find it and the problem is I don't
have the time to experiment right so
that's the that's what everyone assumes
there's the right answer I just don't
have the luxury to experiment that's not
actually what goes on phase three in a
quarter life crisis is not about finding
what is right for you that is an old way
of thinking right that's what people
told you at the the beginning they told
you this is the right career Alo you
will be a very good doctor one day that
is what you should do everyone told you
there was a right answer there is no
right answer the right answer has to be
crafted you have to change you have to
reinvent yourself and this is also where
we get to putting yourself out there
unless you have separated from your past
life unless you have taken an
intentional time out you said I'm done
with that then putting yourself out
there doesn't do you any good this is
what I see so much with my patients
they're like okay people say I should
date so I should just put myself out
there but in their heart of hearts
they're still attached to their ex they
have so much emotional baggage we all
know if you have emotional baggage
screws your next relationship you can't
really put yourself out there until you
leave home and this is what happens with
people is mentally they stay in their
old life they stay attached to their old
identity they stay hung up full of
resentment or love for their ex and then
when they put themselves out they're not
cognitively in the right frame of mind
so then people tell you oh yeah just put
yourself out there it worked for me but
that's because that person was ready for
phase three which involves that
intentional separation from your old
life and then we move on to the last
phase which is rebuilding so the
rebuilding phase involves a renewed
engagement with long-term commitments
and clear plans motivationally this
period is defined by a stronger sense of
intrinsic motivation than pre-crisis
work and life home life are described as
more inherently satisfying and enjoyable
okay work and home life are described as
more inherently satisfying and enjoyable
and more reflective of personal
interests and passions compared with pre
crisis identity in phase four when
compared with pre-crisis descriptions is
distinct by being more coherent inner
values preferences feelings and goals
are now expressed in outward Behavior
leading to a stronger sense of
authenticity what got us in this problem
in the first place is that we crafted a
life without understanding who we are
without sort of Reinventing ourselves
exploring ourselves so there is a
fundamental mismatch between the life
around you and who you are in order to
get through the quarter life crisis you
have to first of all recognize that this
sucks for you secondly you mentally
check out third you intentionally check
out then you start exploring yourself
it's not about finding the right answer
it's about discovering who you are and
unless you've intentionally left your
life which sometimes means going to a
different physical location finding a
different group of friends you can't do
that exploration once you have that
exploration done and not 100% done but
then you have a sense of intrinsically
who you are this is when we get to phase
four so once you know who you are you
start crafting your external life in
alignment with who you are this is who
you are this is who I discovered who I
am and now I'm crafting my external life
to be aligned with who I am internally
and this is the story of my life I went
to I was failed out of school right had
all these high expectations and
literally like all this stuff about
autonomy and stuff that's me textbook as
well so my parents were very restrictive
they were like strict Indian parents so
when I went to college I was like I'm a
date girls I'm going go on parties I'm
going join a fraternity I'm going play
video games all night I had so much
freedom and then the world smacked me in
the face and is like hey you can't be
doing this otherwise we're going to kick
you out of college and then I created
and then I mentally checked out I was
burnt out I had maladaptive coping
behaviors like video games very common
for men in phase one shocking I mentally
checked out I gave up on life then there
was physical separation I went to India
then I started literally exploring who I
am I discovered a technique for self-
exploration I let go of all of my past
answers I didn't care about the future I
said [ __ ] the future I'm going to be
monk I'm not going to have a job I'm not
going to get married I'm not going to do
anything sit on my ass and meditate this
is textbook then I discovered who I am
once I discovered who I am then I
discovered I actually don't want to be a
monk I'm in love with this woman and
that's how I feel this is not something
to be conquered spiritually it is part
of who I am so I went back I got married
paradoxically went to med school but
this time instead of trying to force
myself to study I didn't even care about
the grades like this is terrible I did
not show up at my med school award
ceremony where I got two Awards because
I never looked at my grades I didn't I
gave so little shits about the external
world that I didn't even show up it's so
embarrassing one of my professors was
like I nominated you for an award where
the [ __ ] were you and I was like my bad
I'm a degenerate gamer who doesn't show
up and leave the house I finished med
school and I was like I'm going to play
video games that's literally what I did
and then I went to residency I decided I
actually love Psychiatry I don't care
that psychiatry aren't real doctors
that's what my grandmother told me she's
like don't do this it's not a real
doctor and I was like no I'm going to do
this so I started crafting my life and
then when I finished residency I had two
amazing job offers from two amazing
mentors and I turned them all down and
started this I started crafting my
external life to fit who I am on the
inside this is the resolution of a
quarter life Crisis crisis helps us
overcome the change inertia that has
been found to characterize adult life
structure without this crisis you would
never have the energy or momentum to
leave the autopilot of your relatively
comfortable but quite unsatisfying life
and 75% of young people are going
through this we've accelerated this
process it used to take human beings
about 40 years to figure this out but
the world is becoming increasingly
difficult to live in people are becoming
increasing L happy and it's happening
earlier and as someone who has been
through the end of this I love the fact
that I had a quarter life crisis med
school was incredibly easy for me
everyone else was so caught up about
failing and being at the top of that my
class I had already failed I was like I
know who I am at this point I'm going to
work really hard and whatever happens
happens if I'm at the top of my class
great if I'm at the bottom of my class
also totally fine the only thing I care
about is not failing out that internal
sense of confidence that people sort of
why do you watch why do people watch me
right and and I kind of say I'm not
special and I still insist that I want
y'all to understand now more than ever
that I am not superhuman the only
difference between potentially me and
you but even though I don't know that
that there's a difference you're maybe a
little bit younger than I am that's the
biggest difference is I went through
this process and it is absolutely a
process it is not magic it is not
Brilliance it is like literally a
scientifically explored hypothesis that
has been developed in
2013 and has been expanded on over the
last decade and you can go through it
too the quarter life crisis is your
inner self telling you to wake the [ __ ]
up and then you look around and you see
your life and you're like I can't change
this and then you mentally check out and
you're like this is a problem I feel
burnt out how do I re-engage in in life
so I had a patient once who came in and
he kept on having these relapses of
depression and so three or four years
into our treatment he was like you know
like I need your help help again and I
was like No And he was like surprised
and he's like I'm done doing this I'm
tired of patching you back up and
sending you back into battle where
you're just going to get eaten alive
this is not working anymore something
fundamental needs to change it's not
about coping it's not about therapy it's
not about adjusting it's not about
accepting if your life is not what you
want you need to change it that is what
the quarter life crisis is all about the
reason it's hard to change is because
it's [ __ ] scary to abandon it you
have to embrace uncertainty you have to
jump off of the coast and start swimming
into the ocean without seeing land on
the other side don't do that practically
that sounds hella dangerous and it's so
hard because when you say enough with
that life this voice inside you will
panic and it'll say what if there's
nothing on the other side damn right
because your strength your resilience is
born of making that jump and not knowing
what's on the other side and then when
you get to the other side nothing will
be able to stop you the very thing that
you are looking for is what is holding
you back you want assurances that the
other side is there and so you're
waiting and waiting and looking and
looking and looking and listening to
podcast and watching videos and reading
books and seeing therapists just so
you're looking for a guarantee but as
long as you're looking for a guarantee
you will never believe in yourself the
quarter life crisis is the problem of
this generation their papers that talk
about it in Indonesia papers that talk
about it in the United States up to 75
people per of people are experiencing it
we see it on the Internet is this what
my life is I'm so burnt out I'm so
checked out this sucks I don't know what
to do dating is a mess I'm alone I'm on
autopilot I'm burnt out I want to stop I
don't know how to continue I want to
find myself I don't know what the right
answer is how do I find the right answer
this is the problem of Our Generation
and it's not just about the abstract
it's about you as an individual this is
the problem of your life and I can tell
you as someone who's jumped into the
ocean and ended up on the other side
holy [ __ ] it's amazing y'all should come
and join me so thank you for coming to
my TED Talk and good luck and lastly
we're here to help so if you need more
from me you let me know let us know
what's next what is the challenge that
you face and we will build videos to
help you that's all I have to
say good luck